“I need 2 captains: HP (Hot & Popular) and AP (Athletic & Popular), your picking teams, we’re playing dodgeball,” My PE (Physical Education) teacher shouted to our 6th grade class.
Oh no. Here we go. Total embarrassment. Why don’t I just wear a sign that says: “I’m ugly.” “No one likes me.” Can I hide? I’m too straight laced to claim sickness. Why couldn’t the teacher step in, make some sort of rule about the last 6 people left standing are assigned a team? No, that would be waaay too kind and compassionate. No, let us torture the insecure, low self-esteem students by letting the picking process play out to the bitter end. Ugh, can I kill myself.
Melodramatic? Yes, but the feelings were real and true. Why is it we remember these embarrassing moments with extreme disdain along with our first love with so much longing and passion. Let us not forget the emotions and hormones of our adolescence. I believe these feelings are hard to shake as we move into our adulthood. These puberty stricken chemical changes happening to our body during that time creates emotions that leave an intense impression on our psyche. The memory feels just as strong in our mature age. So strong, it stabbed at me recently, shaking the pillar of self-love and happiness I had created for myself.
My birthday was coming up. I checked my calendar, I could take the weekend off, 4 days in a row actually. Yippee! Checked with my dear friend who owns Hobbit House, the lovely cottage on Oak Creek in Sedona, my favorite get away spot in the world. Yep, it was available. I decided to invite a girlfriend to join me. Two weeks in advance, I requested her presence. She checked with her husband, and her acceptance looked promising.
Days before our departure, things were not looking good for my friend to come. Lots of family health issues etc. The reality of being alone on my birthday shot me between the eyes. Zoom, I was quickly transported to the unwanted girl standing in the school yard waiting to be picked last.
What? Where did that come from? I thought I had rid myself of such banal thoughts. I have done the self-growth work. I love myself. Or do I? Doubt crept in, tapping me on the shoulder, whispering, “your still not good enough.”
Thank Goodness I am prepared for these self-worth shattering moments. We all have them. We are human and live in imperfection. Being highly cognizant of my frailty visitations, I have support I can turn to. Sometimes, Spirit wants me to trust myself, dig deep, meditate or hike to get back on track. Sometimes, I reach out to a friend, author, or other mentor to awaken my greatness. Today, I happened to have an appointment with my Spiritual Counselor. Ahhhh, a sigh of relief.
Interestingly, as I sat in the lobby, waiting for her lateness to arrive, I caught up on emails. In my inbox was a message from Mastin Kip and his site The Daily Love. Within 1 minute of reading the first 2 rad quotes, I was reminded of who I am. I was no longer the sad little girl on the field, I was magnificent Kimmi with an amazing gift to give this world. When my counselor came to gather me, I smiled and said, “you might not have much to do today, my enlightenment came in the lobby while I waited for you.” She smiled as she ushered me into her office, and built upon the foundation of goodness that had already begun.
The ugly moments will come. Knowing their existence is half the battle, trusting ourselves and reaching for support is the other half.
Build a foundation you can rely upon with my 10 Steps to Greatness journal, it really works! (available on the various app stores)
Release to Unleash!
Do childhood embarrassments rear their ugly heads in your life too?