Self-Consumed vs. Self-Love…and where is Arrogance in all of this?
When I speak of self-love in conversation, a class atmosphere, mentoring, or in my blogs, someone inevitably expresses concern about appearing arrogant. I will expound on this concern in a moment.
I vigorously propagate self-love every chance I can, because it transformed my relationship with people, along with my relationship with myself. I became other-oriented. More synonyms for self-love could be: divine-love and other-love. When I lacked self-love, I was self-consumed.
What was I self-consumed with?
-What will people think?
-Do people like me?
-pain, hurt, resentment from childhood, relationships, you name it
-being offended or getting my feelings hurt
All of these self-consumed thoughts and thus behaviors take a great deal of effort to maintain. I read a great quote the other day that said something about the effort to remain weak takes the same amount of effort to be strong. Miraculously, when self-love galloped in on her white horse, all of that energy I was using to invest in my self-consumed, could suddenly move outward, causing me to be able to give to others. This is why I want to sing with the loudest falsetto I can muster, “Self-Love enables you to give and love others more generously and freely than ever!” All of that time which was perpetuating the self-consumed, is able to be invested in others. A great visual for a self-consumed heart is to envision shackles on it. Self-love busts open and releases all of those shackles. The end result is this big beautiful heart with nothing in the way to express love to others.
How can you distinguish whether someone has Self-Love or Arrogance?
EASY EASY EASY….Love. But here are a few more ways to describe the difference.
1. Someone with self-love is loving to others. Someone who is arrogant, is unable to love others.
2. If you are worried you might appear arrogant, you definitely are not arrogant.
3. We radiate an energy to the outside world of who we are on the inside. If you have self-love, your energy alone will emanate love. If you are arrogant, a selfish, unloving vibe will pollute your surroundings.
4. Someone with self-love has an internal, peaceful confidence. They do not need their ego stroked. Someone who is arrogant, is not confident. They need others to notice them and build them up. Without this attention, they do not feel good about themselves.
5. Someone with self-love is reflective and is constantly striving to be a better person. They welcome advice and can admit weaknesses. An arrogant person has great difficulty admitting that they could ever do anything wrong or make a mistake.
6. Someone with self-love has love, acceptance and understanding because they love themselves enough first to forgive themselves for not being perfect. They can do the same for others, removing judgement toward others. Recognizing someone is arrogant, is different than judging them for being arrogant. In fact, someone with deep self-love, is able to not judge, and instead offer love and compassion. An arrogant person is self-consumed with appearances. They need to appear as if they have it altogether all the time, and will take great pains to hide any frailties. They are spending so much time hiding their frailties because they cannot offer themselves love, acceptance, and forgiveness. Naturally, they cannot offer those gifts to others either.
Words from the recently released Cinderella come to mind. Cinderella’s birth Mother, upon her death bed, admonished Cinderella to “have Courage and be Kind.” Cinderella lived those words. Albeit a fairytale, the wisdom in this small sentence is profoundly magnanimous. I ask us to all see and emulate this fairytale character, especially her final words to her evil Step Mother. As I reflect upon the words and acts of Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr, Mother Theresa, Oscar Schindler – I could go on and on, they all lived and breathed courage and kindness. It is truly our avenue to change our own personal world, and the whole world!
Have Courage and be Kind!
Sunshine and Smiles,