Dating: Drama & Baggage
For those of us who have been around the block in the dating schematic these days, the phrase “no drama please” makes me curious and I have to wonder about the ones who propose it. They might want to consider not dating. Every single man I have dated have long lists of drama, whether it be an ex partner, custody, or even their own coping methods in life. The key for me was how they approached their challenges. Did they offer their best, not let it taint their inner happiness, and used difficulty to rise above and become better? Were they understanding when necessary, or left when it reached abusive, unhealthy levels?
Herein lies the trouble with today’s perspective on dating: have you looked around at our world, have you dated much? We are all imperfect in some way and thus our world, drama is part of life. Every time we sin, which actually translates as “missing the mark”, we create some sort of drama. But, today’s daters have these big easy ponds to fish from, they can easily throw this soul back for another one, and the saga continues.
What causes this cycle of the first sight of something off, running for the hills?
We have all been hurt. We do not want to be hurt again. I understand hurt like a hero. I have been hurt countless times. The person we are dating will trigger something in us, often times the trigger can be love. “Oh know, the last time I felt love, my heart was torn apart, I can’t do that again.” And boom, a wall goes up toward the innocent date holding your hand.
This behavior is taking all of your past baggage, plastering it to your body, and bringing it with you on your dates. Talk about drama. The datee is having a date with his past relationship and all the hurt residing in him/her.
What to do? For doesn’t everyone have baggage? Yes, some more than others.
But, if we all have some drama and wounds, How do we do this dating thing?
1. Extend Grace. Throw a little compassion in the mix. We do not need to sit across from someone judging them as they begin to share their history.
2. Recognize our own drama. By this time, hopefully we have begun the task of self-reflection and are aware of some of our patterns.
3. Notice if the person your dating is trying. Are they a willing activist in their own recovery, or a passive victim. Here lies the choice. If a person is WILLING to learn and do life better than yesterday, trying the best they can with what they have, and you believe you have some core compatibilities, this person is worth your time.
4. Embrace that relationships are healing machines. Their whole purpose is a spiritual journey, forcing us to dig deep, uncover the old stuff holding us back, and allowing us the opportunity to love someone else going through the very same thing. Embrace its beautiful purpose to heal in 2 peoples lives, that can then extend out into the world.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE DESIGNED TO HEAL!
We are not meant to be perfect coming into a relationship, because no one is. But, with faith of a mustard seed, willingness to do it better and not be ashamed to ask for support, is the recipe for a great relationship.
Relationships have the uncanny ability to bring up all of our insecurities. This is not the time to run people, this is the time to HEAL. The Divine did it this way on purpose. We help each other heal. We have the tremendous opportunity to practice love, patience, understanding, not keep a record of wrong, and on and on as delineated in the Love Chapter I wrote last week. Relationships are our greatest opportunity to practice being loving. The reward is the best kind of reward this planet offers, amazing intimacy.
I have many friends in difficult relationships right now. Our sharing is so cool and inspiring. Because, every time we are able to love our partner, exactly as they are, complete acceptance, they rise in love to meet us. It is beautiful to behold. We are human, and can falter, but the more we practice unconditional love, the more it rewards us back. It’s amazing.
Do you have the soul stamina to offer unconditional love?
My challenge for us is to give this unconditional love a shot. Resentment cannot be lurking in your energy. You must love from inside too, it cannot just be an action. Your recipient will feel whether it is genuine.
Here are some ways to help get yourself into being an Unconditional Lover:
1. See the person as a child. The child that was abused or treated unfairly in their childhood. Feel your compassion for that child. This visualization is what helped me heal my relationship with my Dad. Very powerful.
2. See the person as a child of God. See the person as God sees them. Pure, perfect, holy.
3. Forgive as God forgives. Give him a break. You mess up too. We’re all in this together. “Whoever has not sinned can cast the first stone.”
4. Write the Love chapter out and place it on our mirror and read it everyday. 1 Corinthians 13. The most mind blowing definition of love I have ever read or try to emulate.
5. Set aside our needs for a moment for someone else. Make their needs a priority. Wow, watch them blossom.
6. See how extending grace and love heals us, the giver. It is magical and miraculous.
The good news is we all have drama and baggage. The better news is we all have the option to react with love. We have the power to turn any drama into heaven or hell on earth. Our thoughts, perspectives, attitudes, and actions take us to a darker place or it can take us to a brighter place. I quote Marianne Williamson, “We are all naturally coded to attract good and transform bad.”
Wow? This statement means we transform bad, we can transform drama, we are TRANSFORMERS. Stop walking away. Be a transformer. And soon, we’ll be transforming the world.
Love Never Fails, ever.
Sunshine & Smiles